A Memoir of Julie

3-4-17 The decision was understandable. It was always an option and now a reality. Getting affairs in order, the goodbyes in process. A much brighter future lies in wait than the regular spa treatments at Auschwitz. 

So brave…So matter of fact…so real... Authenticity - perhaps that’s a gift of losing one’s hair to chemo. She was comical in her straightforward manner -- a pillar for those who know and knew her. 

Her diagnosis casually rendered… Stage 4… when I met her she told me there was no stage 5, her husband had left her and she would face this alone. Is there any good way to receive news such as this? 

Dr. Alemar of Florida Cancer cares. He was her hero as well as his staff who showered her with hope and tender care. Dr. Alemar reportedly said that it was his goal to keep Julie alive so “when the drug” would arrive, Julie would certainly be alive. Julie spoke of being the guinea pig in trials... the drugs that worked for her couldn’t be available to her because it was RESEARCH… and in the name of ResEARCH… THE DRUGS THAT WORKED, COULDN’T BE HERS BECAUSE THE TRIAL WOULD END... AND WITH THAT ENDING A WHOLE NEW trial would await Julie. And we don’t suffer alone... Julie’s friends and family would trial along right by Julie’s side. 

A Pillar for Samantha, Darcie and Elise too. Who will we be without you? What shall we become after being so “undone.” I found a book today, I wanted to share it with you - “Present over Perfect.” However, I will not share with Hospice care ever so near to you. I expected the decision would come... when I didn’t hear from you, I’d find myself checking Facebook to see your latest post... to learn of your counts... if they were up or down. If you were in or out of the hospital gagging when to visit after chemo… The day after was pretty good... the second day awful and then ever so gradually all would improve... Just in time for another treatment. And no treatment was ever the same.

3-6-17 Zinnia seeds were planted today. Jessica’s sprouted. She looks forward to that which will come -- only fitting, the act of surrender in planting seeds... so appropriate as Julie’s garden bed is being tended by Hospice. I sit. I wonder. Tears fall... The tears water the little sprouts. 

Sorrow. Julie’s death appears imminent and at the same time her prognosis has never looked brighter. I knew Hospice would be an option she said as much on several occasions. It amazed me that she would go one more time to yet another chemo treatment, have another scan just to throw up one more time. She was always available and her courage said, “I have stage 4 cancer. There is no “good” time, just show up.” Show up, that’s what I did. 

I was going to help her write “that book.” You know the book that would infuse humor through the depths of despair. It’s amazing how the “let’s do it tomorrow thinking” so often ends in the project never getting started. What an incredible collection of support she rallied around her… talk about a life impacted - that being my own. All I can do is cry and it seems stupid because this moment had been discussed. The 12” spread between the head and the heart. The head thinks the heart shouldn’t feel because “it had been discussed.” The heart feels regardless of permissions given. 

3-8-2017 This day, I prayed that God wouldn’t tarry in bringing Julie home. It occurred to me, she would close her eyes and open them to Christ and that will be that and eternity will begin.

3-10-2017 No more looking forward. Actions to support our recovery, did it matter? It did seem pretty futile. Suffering, radiation, chemo, one more scan... one more treatment... one more surgery... one more... just to resign to process--- the inevitable death. In cancer, one fights. It’s expected. Such disappointment that the Savior of the World didn’t heal with a touch... but renders total healing and restoration through death such an unlikely door. 

So, is what I am doing today effective? Does the meaning of effort hold value? 

Brave Julie. Oh my gosh, such sufferings --- in the suffering... she delivered humor, gratitude. She would flirt. She was so straight-forward... So authentic.

The light I thought would burn so bright is now dim. Sometimes I can’t see. What I thought isn’t so. What I think vs. what God’s word says... my thinks makes me end up in a pit. God’s word is a pillar. 

3-11-2017 The essence of a person is what gets carried forward - the essence of you. A life well-lived. I met you 2.5 years ago. You were dying then. You are dying now. You did graciously point out that there is no stage 5. I had no idea that the moment of meeting her would yield such profundity in my life. Now that the “H” moment is here, I find myself sideways. It amazed me to see how she continued on... the spa treatments at Auschwitz, the chemo, radiation, and PET scans. I asked her why one day. What kept her going? She had two replies. 

1. My dog, Saint. I won’t leave him in the shape I found him. HE was a rescue; his owner died and as I understand, he was left on the street (abandoned until he was rescued.) 

2. She continued on with treatments for the reward... Just to hear a loved ones voice one more time.

The value of the fight... provides community Larry Burkett once said, I wish everyone the gift of a terminal illness... that they would come to know the difference between the urgent and the important. I realized we are all terminal, some of us just have a “diagnosis”. 

3-11-2017 Julie. Her breath becomes air. 

3-16-2017 Trudging through caramel. Flat tires are like that. They leave me feeling, well… flat. In knowing Julie, my heart became open to a new way of being. When I longed for perspective, there in her presence I’d find myself. With her diagnosis, she didn’t mince words. She probably never did.

On Julie’s Facebook post of March 2, 2017, she writes, I hope I brought some light to your life as well.”

Light and Salt... that’s what Julie brings to my life when I think of her. “How Shall We Then Live,” a book written by Francis Schaeffer begs the question that deserves an answer. Even if I wanted to, I doubt I would ever be able to remain the same after having known Julie. She brought to the surface everything meaningful and true. The value of suffering... (it is something we all get to do). Nuggets of truth for our weary souls. Pronounced at our first meeting... the value of that surrender moment... A segue into a richer life and thus, Project Blooming is born. 

Project Blooming was created to raise hope and inspiration for cancer patients and their families. It brings an opportunity to surrender, collaborate, and inspire those in the midst of dramatic life change.

The process starts with ordinary playing cards which signifies to us that we cannot choose the cards life deals us. The Project Blooming Art is made by cancer patients and their families. Each card is touched by 6-8 people transforming an ordinary playing card into extraordinary pieces of art.